alternative ending

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it seems like you dont remember anything.

and i, i remember everything.

and its too much to bear.

shit this crying and typing at the crack of dawn must stop.

why, its been 4 months. 4 months. i can still recall all the things you said. you cared didnt you. you loved me.

you loved me. oh god you loved me once.

my body is shaking again. that is nothing new.

am i damaging what we had? i cant tell. im sorry. im sorry im so scared. i havent watched 13 reasons why yet.

why didnt you keep me around.

you never said ‘i love you’ with your voice.

please keep working please dont let me in your mind again please go out there and conquer the world please

dont remember i was once something you cherished.

clueless god

i prefer to know less and more at once. in all honesty, i do notice things, and am capable of putting two and two together.

the hypothetical truth always seems to disappoint me though.

ableist as this may sound, i have pondered the thought of thoroughly wiping my memory clean. a wonky, less romantic version of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. might not even work, but it would then kill me in the process, which is fine. which is fantastic. tragic accidents have always been my favourite.

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it is such a shame, though simultaneously, a relief somehow, to say that i still have not touched this film. maybe i thought it would have hurt. maybe it was because of jim carrey and my prejudice against his impressionist-esque comedic performances. god knows his acting in the mask scared the crap out of me (almost literally) a few times.

maybe it reminded me of us.

but everything reminds me of us. my argument would be irrelevant, and futile.

(that is not me in the screenshots. that is you.

sorry i picked you apart. sorry for not trying to love the parts i hated of you harder. sorry for still behaving like this.)

i do notice things. i just didnt speak of them that much. after all i am busy trying to digest all the bottled up feelings you left me with.

(the words i have seen made my heart go still for more than a moment.

and not in the way your december used to put me to sleep.)

its nearly winter in this place

somebody has been doing their laundry and the detergent’s sweet smell unexpectedly brought me back to a morning just like this. a sunday probably. spotify’s discover was particularly relevant that day.

how time has changed. i was riddled with a different kind of doubt then.

love doesnt kill.

loss of love does, however.

so goddamn hypocritical, so goddamn useless, i dont know if this is love or crazed possessiveness, for you werent mine to begin with,

i wish i could be as stoic as you are, i wish filling my time with work could be as effective as you drowning yourself in motivation, instead i am here with heartbreak never leaving my lips, how could i be so pathetic,